Pappy
by lil Didi
Summary: Jarod has to adjust to being the head of the family after the death of his father. Will his siblings make it an easy adjustment, or a difficult one?


**The Big Valley**

_**Pappy**_

Jarod Barkley took extra care shaving, aware that his hands were shaking. The last thing he wanted was to show up at breakfast with a face full of nicks and cuts. If he did, he knew it would result in endless teasing from his brothers, Nick and Eugene. Nick, the middle son, was always looking for an opening from his older brother, some small imperfection to pounce on. And Eugene, barely old enough to shave himself, idolized Nick and would follow his lead as he always did and give it to Jarod just as hard. That would be a good thing, Jarod thought with a small smile, a sign that things were finally returning to normal after a week of pure hell. The smile faded. Today wasn't the day Jarod wanted that kind of normal, though.

He took a deep, steadying breath. It really had been a long and dreadful week. Seven days. Just seven days ago his father had been murdered by hired guns of the railroad. It had started a week of activity that wasn't much more than a blur now, ending the previous day when they had finally laid their father to rest in the very same grove where he had died.

It had been his youngest sibling Audra's idea to bury their father there. At the time, he hadn't had the energy to argue and he didn't think anyone else did either. To Jarod, that little grove of trees held no special meaning other than the place where his father had met his end, but he knew it did hold special meaning to Audra. As a little girl, she had always been leading their father by the hand, dragging him off to tea parties or picnics or any number of fanciful things. Jarod imagined that the little grove by the stream had been just one of many spots she had shared a quiet afternoon with her father. Already, she talked of planting flowers on the grave and had convinced Nick and Eugene to build a small picket fence around it. Jarod knew she was trying her best to reclaim a place that had held such precious memories for her, and he couldn't begrudge her that.

The last swipe of the blade caught skin and Jarod jerked his hand away with a gasp. He looked at the small shaving mirror to see a thin trickle of blood mixed with soap starting down his neck.

"Damn," Jarod mumbled as he used a towel to remove what was left of his shaving soap and the thin line of blood. He held the towel over the cut for several minutes, until he was sure the bleeding had stopped. At least it was a small cut. With any luck it would stop bleeding and not be noticeable to his high-strung brothers. To be safe, he held the towel over the cut for several more minutes.

Finally, he reached for his best white shirt. His hands were still shaking and he swallowed hard, willing his body to relax as he carefully matched and buttoned the shirt. It surprised him a little, that he felt so jittery. He had made it through one of the toughest weeks of his life, and didn't once feel the way he did right now.

If he really thought about it, not that he wanted to, he could remember brief snatches of the past week. First, swallowing his own shock and anger in order to console his grieving mother and siblings, and later settling into the numbness of making funeral arrangements and accepting the condolences of an endless trail of friends and neighbors. On top of all that, he also had seen to it that the everyday business of running a ranch was taken care of. Nick had been a great help there and Jarod knew his younger brother was feeling no small amount of pressure himself. After all, Nick was the one that would actually manage the day to day tasks of the ranch, as he had been doing at Father's side for years. Jarod only took care of the business side of things. But it was a big ranch. It had taken both Father and Nick to keep things running smoothly. Now, Nick had to find a way to do it on his own.

Jarod sighed as he carefully combed back his hair. He would help Nick as much as possible around the ranch, but with a growing law practice and a brand new office in San Francisco to look after, he wouldn't have much time to spare. Eugene was still too young to be of much help, and was still in school to boot. And even if Nick could hold on one more year until Eugene was finished with school, the boy had already expressed an interest in attending college. It wouldn't be fair to ask him to give that up and stay home.

Finally dressed and his nervousness calmed as much as could be expected, Jarod made his way downstairs and into the dining room. As he had hoped, he was the first to arrive. The table, already set by Silas, held the familiar setup, with one obvious exception. The place setting at the head of the table was missing, as it had been for the last week. For seven days, the chair at the head of the table had sat empty. But today… today, that seat would be empty no more.

Jarod, who had always sat to his father's left, carefully moved his place setting into his father's spot. Once more, he felt the tremble of his hands but he ignored it as he pulled back the chair. The chair, exactly like the other five chairs at the table, suddenly felt much larger, much heavier than it really was. As he sank slowly into the seat, he let his eyes drift closed in a silent prayer to his father for the strength he would need to lead this family.

The soft rustle of skirts alerted him to his mother's arrival. Jarod opened his eyes to find his mother stopped in the doorway. She met Jarod's eyes and for several moments their gaze locked. He thought he saw the corners of her lips turn up slightly as she gave him a small nod and took her place at the opposite end of the table.

"Morning, Mother," Jarod said, his voice squeaking slightly. He cleared his throat.

Silas, always close at hand, came in with a fresh pot of coffee. He didn't bat an eyelash as he approached Jarod in his new seat. "Coffee, Mr. Barkley?"

Jarod gave a nod, not missing the fact that he went from 'Mr. Jarod' to 'Mr. Barkley' when he switched seats. Silas gave him a reassuring smile as he moved to the opposite end of the table and poured another cup for Victoria, who briefly laid her hand over her long-time servant and friend's.

Eugene and Audra came down together. They stopped in the doorway and shared a glance, but said nothing about Jarod's new seat as they approached the table. Eugene gave his mother a mumbled good morning and kiss on the head before settling into his seat. Within moments, Silas began bringing in breakfast and the delicious aroma hastened their hunger.

The soft jingle of spurs alerted Jarod that the next member of the family was coming in for breakfast and he felt himself tense. Nick, who had worn spurs since he was six years old and Father had given him his first saddle, entered the room and paused only a moment when he saw Jarod at the head of the table. He took his usual seat at his brother's right. He looked over at Jarod.

"Morning, Pappy," he said softly.

Jarod stared at his brother. Pappy was a nickname Jarod had picked up from Nick when they kids. Being the oldest, Jarod was always trying to get Nick to follow his orders, but the stubborn as a mule Nick never liked being ordered around, big brother or no big brother. After a particularly trying day, Nick found he had had enough of Jarod's orders and hauled off and punched Jarod in the nose, yelling, "You can't order me around! You ain't my Pappy!" After the initial shock of the punch wore off, Jarod looked at the horrified face of his younger brother and began laughing. Within moments, Nick was laughing as well and the nickname stuck.

The fact that Nick was using the name now gave Jarod all the indication he needed that Nick was accepting Jarod's new place as the head of the household. Jarod was grateful for the acceptance. Of all his siblings, he had been the most worried about Nick's reaction.

"Morning, Nick," Jarod finally responded as he found his voice.

The family began to eat as Jarod contemplated his brother. When word came to them about their father's murder, Jarod had practically had to tie Nick to the bedpost to keep him from joining the posse that went out after their father's killer. It had taken over an hour of yelling, cajoling, and begging to get Nick to see that his place wasn't on the trail of a killer, but here with his family. It had been one of the toughest things Jarod had ever had to do, because in his own heart, he wanted to be out there himself, making that man pay. But while his heart wanted revenge, Jarod's head knew that it was up to him to keep the family together. Part of that responsibility was saving his mother any further worry and heartbreak by allowing her son to go running off after men that had already caused her more pain than was imaginable.

Nick had finally given in, but Jarod could see in his eyes that revenge was never far from his mind. Jarod knew that if their father's killer was not brought to justice soon, Nick would be out there looking for him and no argument Jarod could bring forth would be able to stop him again.

No one spoke as they ate. Jarod waited, letting everyone finish the bulk of their meal before he spoke up. When he did, he made sure his voice was stronger than he felt.

"Well, Nick, if you can handle things around here, I have some work I need to do in town today."

Nick gave Jarod a sideways look as he shrugged. "I can manage. Gene can help if something comes up."

"Gene is going back to school today."

"I'm not going back to school!" Eugene blurted out. "I can help Nick. I can-"

"You're going back to school," Jarod said firmly. He didn't raise his voice, but he put all the authority behind it he could muster, the way he remembered father doing it. "And so is Audra." Eugene looked like he was going to protest further but Jarod held up a hand. "Eugene, you don't have much time left before you'll be going off to college. You need to finish school, not spend your days chasing cattle."

Eugene shot a look at his mother, but when he saw he would receive no support there, he gave in and sullenly went back to his meal.

Audra gave Jarod a quick look, but offered no complaint. Audra had been out of school for almost a year, but had been helping the teacher, Miss Helming, with the younger kids. She knew the older woman would be needing her help, and if she were honest with herself, she would be glad to get back to a normal routine. She gave Jarod a nod of acceptance and went back to prodding her food.

Jarod felt himself relax. It was his first real test of being the head of the household and he had passed. Eugene would be sore for a few days, no doubt, but eventually he would come around. The boy simply liked school too much to protest too loud or for too long.

"Why don't you two get your things together while I hitch up the buggy? I can drop you off at the school on my way into town."

Eugene jumped out of his seat like it was on fire and disappeared. Audra followed at a much slower pace. She stopped at the door and looked back at Jarod, but no words came out before hot tears rolled down her cheeks. She shook her head as she fled out of the room.

Jarod looked at his mother, but stopped her from following her daughter with a look.

"I'll go," he said softly as he rose.

He didn't have to look far. As soon as he entered the entryway, he could hear her sobs from the library and with a deep breath, he entered.

"Audra?" he said softly. The distraught girl was on the couch, her face in her hands. As it always did when he saw her crying, Jarod's heart melted. He sat down next to her, pulling her into his arms. "Audra, what is it?"

"It's changed, Jarod. It's all changed now." She raised her head as blue eyes filled with moisture. "It will never be the same again, will it?"

Jarod reached up to wipe away a tear as it rolled down her cheek. Sadly, he shook his head. "No, it won't be the same, Honey. I'm sorry. But I'll do my best to make things as easy as I can. I promise you that."

"Why, Jarod? Why did he have to die?"

Jarod didn't have an answer to that, so he just held her. Eventually, the tears dried up and she pulled away. She gave a small laugh, but Jarod didn't hear any amusement in it at all.

"You know what I keep thinking, over and over, Jarod?"

Jarod shook his head. "No, what?"

A fresh set of tears fell from her eyes and Jarod used his handkerchief to wipe them away once more.

"Who's going to give me away when I get married now?" She gave another small laugh. "Is that terribly selfish of me, Jarod?"

Jarod gave her a small smile as he shook his head. "No, Honey, I don't think that's selfish at all."

Audra did her best to return his smile.

"Besides," Jarod went on, "I was planning on arm wrestling Father for that honor myself."

Long, wet lashes blinked up at Jarod. "Really?"

Nodding, Jarod said, "Yes. Can you blame me? Who wouldn't fight for the right to escort the prettiest girl in the valley down the aisle?"

This time, when Audra smiled, Jarod felt it was genuine. He let Audra wipe her eyes and nose, laughing gently when she blew into his silk kerchief.

"I'll wash it for you," she said softly. She leaned in to give Jarod a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you, Pappy," she whispered as she rose and left to gather her things for school.

Jarod watched her leave. He looked down at his hands, but they weren't shaking anymore. He took a deep breath, suppressing a smile. Maybe he could do this after all, he thought as he rose to follow her out. He headed for the barn to get the buggy ready and was surprised to see Eugene there, readying the horses for harness.

His youngest sibling gave him a scowl, but didn't speak. Jarod helped him get the big animals harnessed, watching for signs that Eugene was ready to talk. It didn't take long for the young man to speak.

"I'm not a kid anymore, Jarod. You don't have to treat me like one. I can help Nick around the ranch."

"I never said you were a child, Gene."

"Maybe not in so many words, but you still did."

Jarod grabbed Eugene's arm to halt him. "When did I say that?"

"By ordering me back to school. Like a child."

Jarod hesitated. Perhaps he should have been a little gentler in that particular order. "Fair enough," Jarod said. "I apologize, Gene, I had no intention of making you feel like a child."

Eugene looked at his older brother. "Then I can stay and help Nick?"

Jarod shook his head. "No."

The scowl returned as Eugene kept working.

After several more minutes of icy glances, Jarod asked, "Gene, can I ask you a question?"

Eugene didn't respond, so Jarod once again grabbed his arm, but gently steered the boy to a bale of hay, sitting down next to him.

"Do you want to be a rancher, Eugene?"

Blue eyes so similar to his own looked up at Jarod. "What?"

"You heard me. Do you want to be a rancher?"

Eugene looked away. It was a moment before he answered. "Does it matter?"

"It does to me," Jarod said.

"Nick can't run this whole spread by himself, Jarod. Someone needs to help him and you're too busy with your law practice to do it. That leaves me."

Jarod suppressed a sigh. "Nick…Nick is stronger than you give him credit for being, Gene. He knows what he is doing. And he won't be alone. I'll help him when I can, so will you. Even Mother and Audra will be helping out, in their own way. And we have some of the best hands in the valley working here. Trust me, he won't be doing it alone."

"But Father-"

"Father is dead, Gene," Jarod said as gently as he could. "It's up to all of us to carry on his legacy here, but that doesn't mean we have to give up our own dreams. He built all of this for us, so that we could do anything we wanted to do. And you know what? It's okay if being a rancher, doesn't fit into your plans."

Jarod saw his younger brother swallow hard. He put an arm around his sibling. "You know, I never saw Father quite so proud as I saw him when you told him you wanted to go into medicine. The thought of having a doctor in the house made him pretty happy. Especially as accident prone as Nick is."

Eugene couldn't help the laugh that bubbled out. He looked up at Jarod. "Even happier than having a lawyer in the house?"

"Yes, I think so," Jarod said sincerely.

"What do you think he would say if I told him I wanted to doctor animals, not humans?"

"He would say you were going to be the best animal doctor in the valley. No, actually, I think he would say you were going to be the best in California."

Eugene sat quietly for a moment before he nodded. "Guess we better get those horses hitched up or we'll be late for school."

"Guess so," Jarod said as he rose. They resumed harnessing the horses and Jarod let Eugene pull the buggy up to the front door to pick up Audra. Jarod moved to go in the house to get his own things when Eugene stopped him.

"You're pretty smart, Pappy. Thanks."

Jarod watched as Eugene disappeared inside to gather his things. After a moment, he followed, stepping inside to find his mother watching him. She didn't speak, but stepped up to him and gave him a kiss on the forehead. Jarod held her gaze for several moments before asking softly, "Will you be alright here by yourself?"

"Oh, yes, I'll be fine. But I wouldn't mind coming into town to have lunch with my son."

"I would be honored," Jarod said with a small bow.

"Have a good day, Jarod," his mother said with a smile as she turned to go.

Jarod watched his mother for a moment before he drew in a deep breath. _'Oh, yes,'_ he thought, _'Pappy is going to have a very good day.'_


End file.
